ATTACHMENT STYLe journalling

Have a read through the attachment style signs and see which one you feel you identify most with.

If you are struggling to relate to any, have a go at this free attachment style quiz (click the link).

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE

An insecure style from inconsistent early caregiving or abandonment/infidelity in relationships with ex partners, marked by a deep fear of abandonment, low self-worth, and a strong need for constant reassurance, leading to clingy, jealous, or hyper-vigilant behaviours in relationships, where individuals often prioritise their partner's needs over their own and may feel their self-worth depends on the relationship.

Signs may include:

Feeling most attracted to emotionally unavailable or inconsistent partners.
Fear of expressing needs directly (or expressing them with urgency).
Staying in relationships that feel unstable or one-sided.
Feeling anxious rather than calm in close relationships.
Prioritising partners needs over your own, struggling to express your truth.
Difficulty giving space, even when you want to.
Checking messages, social media, or cues for signs of connection.
Over-explaining, apologising excessively, or people-pleasing.
Frequent overthinking and rumination about relationships.
Interpreting neutral behavior as signs of disinterest.
Needing frequent reassurance to feel secure.
Linking self-worth to how others respond to you.
Strong fear of abandonment or rejection.
Heightened sensitivity to changes in tone, availability, or mood; needing frequent reassurance.
Anxiety when a relationship feels uncertain or undefined.
Difficulty calming yourself when connection feels threatened.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Avoidant attachment is a style where individuals value intense independence, fearing vulnerability and closeness, often stemming from caregivers or ex partners who were consistently unresponsive to their emotional needs, leading them to suppress feelings, struggle with trust, and appear distant or self-sufficient in relationships, even if they subconsciously desire connection.

Signs may include:

Discomfort with emotional closeness or dependency

Feeling overwhelmed or suffocated when others need you; difficulty asking for help or support.
Difficulty identifying or expressing emotions.
Numbness or shutdown during relational stress.
Strong need for autonomy and personal space.
Belief that relying on others is unsafe or unnecessary.
Minimizing the importance of relationships.
Focusing on a partner’s flaws to justify distance.
Feeling more calm alone than in intimacy, internal narratives like “I’m better on my own”.
Pulling away when relationships deepen.
Avoiding difficult emotional conversations.
Delaying commitment or keeping relationships ambiguous.
Prioritizing work, hobbies, or independence over connection.
Disappearing or going emotionally cold during conflict.
Attraction to emotionally intense or anxious partners.
Feeling relieved after creating distance.
Desire to escape or distract during emotional moments.
Fatigue or shutdown during conflict.
Feeling calm only after withdrawing.
Stress manifests as irritability or detachment.
Feeling trapped between wanting connection and resisting it.
Fear of being controlled, engulfed, or losing oneself.
Shame or discomfort around having needs; difficulty trusting others with emotional closeness.
Sense of self tied to independence and self-sufficiency.

Disorganised/Fearful Attachment

Disorganized/Fearful Attachment, or Fearful-Avoidant, is a blend of anxious and avoidant.

It is an insecure style where people deeply desire intimacy but fear it due to unresolved childhood trauma, leading to a push-pull dynamic: they crave closeness but then push partners away with mixed signals, inconsistency, or self-sabotage, struggling with trust, emotional regulation, and feeling unworthy of love.

Signs include contradictory behaviour (clingy then distant), difficulty trusting, emotional numbness or swings, fear of rejection, and chaotic relationships, often stemming from frightening or inconsistent caregiving.

Signs may include…

Intense fear of both abandonment and intimacy

Rapid emotional shifts toward others (idealisation → distrust).
Feeling unsafe in closeness but distressed by distance.
Emotional overwhelm followed by numbness or shutdown.
Confusion about what you want from relationships.
Conflicting beliefs about relationships (“I need them” vs. “They aren’t safe”).
Difficulty trusting intentions, even when behaviour is consistent.
Hypervigilance to signs of threat or rejection.
Dissociation or mental fog during relational stress.
Struggling to make sense of your own reactions.
Push–pull dynamics: pursuing closeness then abruptly withdrawing.
Testing partners to see if they’ll stay or leave.
Sudden emotional cutoffs followed by regret.
Difficulty maintaining consistent communication.
Self-sabotaging behaviours when relationships stabilise.
Attraction to unstable, unpredictable, or emotionally unsafe partners.
Repeated cycles of intense connection and rupture.
Fear of expressing needs clearly.
Difficulty repairing after conflict.
Feeling most “alive” in chaotic or high-intensity relationships.
Rapid shifts between activation (anxiety) and shutdown (numbness).
Strong stress responses to both closeness and separation.
Freezing, dissociation, or feeling detached from the body.
Sleep disturbances during relational stress.
Feeling fragmented or split inside.
Difficulty forming a stable sense of safety with others.
Deep shame around needs, emotions, or dependency.
Sense that relationships are unpredictable or dangerous.
Feeling alone even when connected.

Anxious Attachment Journal Prompts

Choose some or all…

When my anxious attachment is activated, what happens in my body, thoughts, emotions, and behavior?

In moments of relational anxiety, what do I fear losing or proving wrong about myself?

What experiences in my early relationships taught me that love, attention, or safety were inconsistent or uncertain?

How did I learn to stay connected or avoid abandonment as a child, and how did those strategies help me then?

What specific situations or behaviors in others trigger my anxiety today, and what do they resemble from my past?

When I feel anxious, how do I act to reduce the discomfort, and what am I hoping these actions will secure?

What emotional needs am I seeking from others that I have difficulty providing for myself?

In what ways do I ignore my boundaries, feelings, or values in order to maintain closeness?

When I seek reassurance, what belief am I trying to disprove, and how could I begin to build trust in myself instead?

What would change in my relationships if I trusted my ability to tolerate uncertainty, distance, or emotional pain without reacting?

In the future, with awareness brought to these patterns, when you notice anxiety and insecurity activate in your system, spend time sitting with the feeling and processing the feeling, and walking/writing/embodying before projecting it onto others and acting from an anxious place. Allow the feelings to process and check in with the reality to move towards a place of trust and security.

To close your practice - sit in stillness and breathe into your Heart, tap your Heart, and remind yourself you are safe.

PROMPTS FOR AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

Choose some or all...

When I feel the urge to pull away, shut down, or detach in relationships, what happens in my body, thoughts, emotions, and behavior?

What early relationships taught me that closeness, need, or emotion were unsafe, overwhelming, or unsupported?

How did I learn to rely on myself, minimize needs, or stay emotionally independent, and how did this protect me?

What behaviors in others make me feel pressured, trapped, or intruded upon, and what do they resemble from my past?

When I feel closeness increasing, how do I create distance (emotionally, mentally, physically), and what relief does this give me?

What needs or emotions do I tend to dismiss, downplay, or avoid acknowledging in myself?

In what ways does my avoidance protect me, and in what ways does it prevent deeper connection or authenticity?

What beliefs do I hold about dependence, need, or intimacy, and how might I begin to allow connection without losing myself?

What would change in my relationships if I trusted my ability to stay present through closeness, emotional expression, or conflict?

In the future, when you notice shutdown, closure, detachment and distancing, state your needs with Love, and spend time regulating your system and opening your Heart and body.

Sit with the feelings of irritation, closure, and connection, and allow it to fully process. Check in with what the reality is, and attune your system to the present.

To close your practice - sit in stillness and breathe into your Heart, tap your Heart, and remind yourself you are safe.

PROMPTS FOR DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT

Choose some or all...

When I feel myself moving between wanting closeness and wanting distance, what signals tell me the shift is happening?

What do I fear most in relationships: abandonment, engulfment, or losing control—and how do these fears conflict with each other?

What early relationships taught me that the people I needed were also unpredictable, frightening, or emotionally unsafe?

How did I learn to manage closeness and danger at the same time, and how did these strategies help me survive?

What situations activate my anxious side, and what situations activate my avoidant side? How do these patterns alternate or overlap?

When I feel threatened, how do I seek connection and push it away at the same time (e.g., testing, withdrawing, emotional swings)?

What parts of me want closeness, and what parts of me want distance? What is each part trying to protect?

What happens inside me when I slow down instead of acting on either urge? What feels unsafe about stillness?

What helps me feel even slightly safer in my body and emotions, and how can I practice staying regulated during relational stress?

What would change if I allowed myself to move toward connection slowly, without forcing closeness or escape?

In the future, when you notice triggers arise, allow the feeling to fully process, sit and feel the feeling. check in with the reality, and regulate your system before reacting.

To close your practice - sit in stillness and breathe into your Heart, tap your Heart, and remind yourself you are safe.